The last day of one.

Tonight my baby will go to sleep as a one year old and wake up as a two year old. This will occur at 4:23am, to be exact. It’s hard to believe that I’ve had him for two years already, yet it seems like yesterday that he was born. I remember that memory vividly, because it was the best moment of my life. I think in a lot of ways, my life began the moment that I held him for the first time.

I watch him sleep from time to time because he still reminds me of that baby I once held, so innocent and sweet. When he’s awake, he transforms into a little boy.

Wyatt is a playful and cheerful little boy. He loves to help around the house and clean. I always catch him playing with the Swiffer mop, or using a paper towel to clean the floor. He pretends to wash his hands in his play kitchen sink and likes to “wash his hair” when playing in the kiddie pool. He also enjoys brushing his teeth and combing his hair. I can’t believe how much he likes to do “grown up things” and watches us closely so that he can imitate our daily actions.

Wyatt loves to read books and has started memorizing certain books and can recite them accurately, as he turns the pages. He absolutely loves the movie Cars and asks to watch it nearly every day. He now repeats lines from the movie and points out different characters to us to tell us their names.

Wyatt has a play kitchen where he does his best cooking. He often either makes coffee or broccoli. He will pretend to eat his play food by making “nom nom” noises and slobbering all over it. He always shares his soggy food with us too.

One of Wyatt’s favorite toys is a pool hose. It’s about 2.5 feet long and he calls it his elephant. He likes to carry his elephant around and blow out the one end of the hose like it’s a trunk. He often asks us to do the same. He even insisted on taking elephant to daycare with him on morning. It was difficult to explain his elephant trunk (aka pool hose) to his teachers.

Wyatt is starting to understand things like only receiving his pacifier at bed time and during naps. We ask him to remove it when he gets up and leave it in the bed. He is also starting to recognize his body and when he soils his diaper he makes us aware that it’s wet and needs to be changed.

Wyatt loves Hershey Park and all of the rides they have to offer. His favorite is the train and he also likes the rockets and cars. He often insists on Glen riding with him. He’s really blossomed from that scared little guy that hated everything new to somewhat of an adventurous little guy.

Wyatt’s speech blows me away! He is talking in full sentences and is specific with his desires and needs. He had a mosquito bite on his leg the other day and he said “my leg is itchy”. He also asked Glen to “put the elephant on your mouth and make a noise”. He also asks for very specific things to eat and drink during certain times of the day. He is also a super napper! He still takes a 2 hour nap every day and when we tell him it’s nap time, most of the time he walks upstairs and gets in his own bed and put himself to sleep. It’s pretty miraculous, really.

This is the last night that I will sneak into Wyatt's bedroom and kiss the forehead of a one year old. For tomorrow he will be two! I truly couldn't imagine my life without him. 

8 Month Update

These last few months flew by and I hardly noticed that I haven’t been making any updates on my blog. Now that time is quickly winding down, I thought it would be best to give an update.

This little girl has been nothing but trouble. I mean that in the best possible way, of course. It started back in June when I went in for a growth scan and to check on the little cysts on her brain. The good news is that the cysts were gone and she was very healthy. The unexpected news was that she was very small and the doctors were concerned with her below average weight. I met with one of the high risk doctors for a consultation and soon was on my way to having 2-3 appointments per week which included a non-stress test and ultrasound. By the stat of the third week the growth ultrasound showed that she gained enough weight to bring me out of the high risk category. I was so relieved! I went about the next two weeks, happy as a clam and insisting that I will get to meet her in September, right on schedule. I was excited about my birth plan and having a very natural birth. I was anticipating laboring on my own and getting to experience labor without drugs, like Pitocin. We planned our weekends out for the month of August and had our to-do list ironed out completely.

That weekend I was 35 weeks along and had my Mom take a comparison photos of my 35-week baby bellies. After viewing the pictures side by side I noticed something quite apparent. My baby belly is significantly smaller with this little girl. I knew that I had an appointment set up for the next day and I brushed it off, even though I thought that it was quite odd that I seemed to be carrying so much smaller this time around.

On July 29^th I had a routine follow up which involved a growth ultrasound. The growth ultrasound seemed normal and I even got a few profile pictures of her lovely face. At the end the tech ran out to review the results with the doctor. When the doctor came in to review the results of the ultrasound with me I knew something was wrong. The baby was in fact, very small for her gestational age and the doctor was concerned. The doctor then strongly suggested that I be induced at full-term (37 weeks). Instantly tears formed in my eyes and I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. But what about my natural birth plan? What about my September baby? What about carrying out those few extra weeks of work and welcoming my baby when I’m really ready?

I asked a few questions and raised a few concerns and she was extremely pleasant and informative. Smaller babies have a greater chance of being stillborn and therefore, they would like to welcome her into the World early and have the opportunity to help her gain weight rather than letting her in there where they are essentially helpless. They assured me that women have babies at 37 weeks all of the time and that most of the time, the babies are not taken to the NICU. She assured me that this truly is the best thing for my baby and although it’s ultimately my choice, that they strongly suggest early induction.

After the initial tears and anxiety wore off, I finally came to peace with it. It’s not exactly what I wanted but all I really want is a healthy, happy baby! If that means meeting her just a few weeks early, then I’m up for the challenge. I’m not ready, but I’ll get ready! We are already on the hunt for some preemie clothes and diapers for those first few weeks and are ironing out all of the necessary last minute items in preparation for our little princess! Now that we are meeting her in just two weeks, we actually turned that fear into excitement. I just can’t stop thinking about what it will be like to hold her, to give her a name, to snuggle with her and to watch her snooze in my arms.

Enjoy some of my favorite 35 Weeks Maternity photos:

Gender Reveal Celebration

Glen and I went to Womb with a View in order to have a gender reveal done at Hershey Park. She kindly sealed it in an envelope and we mailed it off to Kansas to my photographer friend.

The day finally came and we arrived at Hershey Park at 10am and were greeted by our closest friends. I went on a hunt for cotton candy and luckily, two perfectly fresh cotton candy sticks were just put out in pink and blue. I ran back as fast as I could to get the show on the road. We took a few cutesy photos of us holding the cotton candy colors up and then everyone closed their eyes prior to the reveal. The photographer took both sweets away and handed up back the one in appropriate color. We were asked to open our eyes first and I could hardly believe what I saw! I was in complete shock. Everyone else was then asked to open their eyes and Glen held it up high for everyone to see. Screams, smiles, shouts and claps filled the air as everyone started at the PINK cotton candy.

It was such a fun day and we were happy that we got to share it with our friends.

What could have been.

A miscarriage is a natural and common event. All told, probably more women have lost a child from this world than haven't. Most don't mention it, and they go on from day to day as if it hadn't happened, so people imagine a woman in this situation never really knew or loved what she had. 

But ask her sometime: how old would your child be now? And she'll know.

- Barbara Kingsolver

I'm 30 weeks pregnant, but I should be 40. Friday would have been his or her due date. My heart is so torn on what I should be feeling. My heart aches for that little baby that I will never get to name, hold, know or watch grow. I'm ecstatic about meeting my little girl in September but I will always think about what could have been. What would he or she look like, what would they be like? 

Losing the baby in October was very hard on me but I had Wyatt to keep me strong. But here I am again, 9 months later, reminded of my what could have been. 

I just want him or her to know this.  Even though I didn't get to meet you, you are still in my heart and you will always be mine. I will never forget the day I found out I was pregnant with you and I will never forget the day that we were suppose to meet. I love you forever. 

My due date would have been June 28th, this Friday. I can't imagine a better way to spend my day than with my best girlfriends at the beach. I'm sure that day will come and I will have a heavy heart, but I will also feel very blessed and I'll be surrounded by positive, supportive, amazing women in my life. 

Every day is truly a gift. Cherish it, embrace it, and don't take it for granted. 

Every night since the loss, I have snuck into Wyatt's room after he has fallen asleep and felt him breath, watched him sleep, kissed him on the cheek and told him that I love him. 

Whether your a Mother who has experienced a loss, or one who wants children and who has never been given a chance, I will say a prayer for you. We will never know what could have been, but we will always be reminded of what is. 

For all of those amazing Mothers out there, hug your babies tight for me and tell them that you love them today, tomorrow and forever. 

Little Bean Update

There is nothing quite like hearing that your child may an abnormality. I think my initial shock resulted from fear and the unknown. I cried a lot. I cried so much that my eyes burned, even when I closed my eye lids. The very next day, I still couldn’t accept it. I cried again and again. I cried so much that my boss sent me home from work. I then regained some focus and was somewhat enlightened by a few discussions that I had with family and friends. I never found peace with what I was told, but I felt comforted.

When Wyatt was born, and I got to hold him in my arms, I realized right then that I felt something that I have never felt in my life. It was a raw, pure and deep love. It’s a feeling that is so strong and difficult to describe with words. It’s a feeling that his life is more important than mine. I never felt this way before about anything or anyone. I love my husband, my family and friends but there’s something about the love that you have for your child that’s…different. It’s natural, instinctual and very strong. I know in my heart, that whoever this child is, that I will love them just the same.

Still in shock about the recent Ultrasound, I apprehensively went to an appointment this morning with my OB. I had little anxiety, as I was pretty focused on gaining more knowledge, asking questions and getting answers.

The doctor explained that the baby has a tiny cyst on its brain called a Choroid Plexus Cyst. The choroid plexus is the part of the brain that makes cerebrospinal fluid, the fluid that normally protects the brain and spinal column. Fluid could be pinched off causing a cyst (similar to a blister). In a majority of cases, the cyst will resolve itself. In a very small percentage of babies with choroid plexus cysts, there is an associated chromosome disorder (trisomy 18). Usually if the baby has this, they are stillborn. However, it’s about 1 in 3,000 that have this.

She basically said that they review a number of different factors in addition to the cyst. Like, the baby’s physical features (clef lip, absence of a nasal bone, etc) then they also look for other “soft spots” such as in the heart or kidneys. If they see a lot of spots, they have more cause for concern for the baby. If it’s just one, generally, they are not too worried. She also stressed that because I am not high-risk that the chances of an abnormality are slim.

She really explained to me that this is something that is somewhat common, and getting more common that they are starting to believe that it’s just a normal part of the baby’s development. She hates that they even have to mention that it’s abnormal because most Parents-to-be have the same reaction as I did. For now she recommends that I try to relax and enjoy the pregnancy as if it’s completely normal and advised that I do not do any additional elective testing at this time. She really doesn’t seem too concerned about the baby, therefore believes that additional testing is unnecessary.

She did offer me a few additional options moving forward. We will first have a follow up appointment with her on May 9^th to review the pregnancy. At that time they will order me another ultrasound, where they will focus on the baby’s brain and the general growth of the baby. I will be requesting a specific technician to review the ultrasound.  If that ultrasound comes back clear, then they will discontinue any further testing. If they find that the cyst is larger or that there are more noticeable soft spots, we will discuss further testing at that time.

In the meantime, Glen, Wyatt and I are going to have an elective 3D Ultrasound at Womb with a View where we will have the opportunity to see baby’s face and hopefully have a better ultrasound experience than we had at our 19 week appointment in the hospital. 

Additionally, I just wanted to thank everyone for the messages, phone calls and texts over these past few emotional days. It truly means a lot to me to have connected with so many people. I’ve had the opportunity to listen to other similar experiences and connect with a few amazing Mothers who have a special needs child. I really felt comforted and you’ve all given me strength during this emotional time.

One last thing I wanted to share was a blog post that was forwarded to me. This birth story was written by an amazing mama who gave birth to a baby with Down syndrome. It really touched my heart but it’s a tear jerker, so be prepared to cry.

http://www.kellehampton.com/2010/01/nella-cordelia-birth-story.html

17 Weeks

These weeks are flying by. Can you believe that in just 23 weeks we will be welcoming a new family member into our lives?

When I think about it, I get a little scared. I’m barely able to keep up with anything or anyone in my current situation, how am I going to handle two kids?

Mornings are challenging. I get up around 5:45 to start my day.  Glen is not home by this time so I have to tip-toe around the house and try to get ready for work without waking Wyatt. Naturally, he usually wakes up at 6am anyway. So I usually juggle a shower and watching Wyatt in the morning and mostly that consists of letting him play in the bathroom and hallway until I’m done while I keep some-what of a watchful eye. I then step out onto everything that he took out of the bathroom drawers and cupboards and I always have to check the toilet for items as well. This occurs when he’s NOT opening the shower curtain the entire time and/or trying to get IN to the shower, fully clothed while I’m trying to wash my hair. *Sigh*

Then I usually tie my hair up and get dressed in whatever fits these days which is not much. Wyatt is in this stage of needing to do everything that I do, when I do it. So if I brush my teeth, Wyatt screams “teeth” at me the entire time until I get him his tooth brush. If I brush my hair he screams “hair” until I give him my hair brush. Of course, when it comes to using the potty, he has no interest in copying me. ZERO INTEREST! And honestly, I’m fine with that. I’m not upset that he has no interest in the potty. He’s only 19 months and I know that he won’t be in diapers when he’s 17, so this is fine for me.

I then pick out Wyatt’s clothes and diaper for the morning and attempt to get him dressed and ready for school. Attempt is the key. First of all, Wyatt hates sitting still so to get him to sit still for a diaper change is torture. Then, as soon as I do manage to get his diaper off his hand gravitates towards his boy parts. He knows that they are now free and he MUST touch them. Then he squirms and kicks while I try to fasten the diaper. Then it’s time for the clothes which I usually have to put on him while he’s standing or running around the room. After all of that, you know what he sits still for? His shoes! He knows that putting on shoes means that he gets to go somewhere good (usually) so he’s always very happy to put on his shoes and coat.

After we look appropriate for going out, I have to fix him some breakfast, pack his diaper bag and pack my lunch. All while a dog literally runs underneath my feet every five seconds. What’s up with that anyway? Since it’s been winter FOREVER in PA this year, I still have to warm the car up prior to leaving since Wyatt doesn’t wear a coat while riding in his car seat. Every morning I run out to start my car and Wyatt throws a fit because he thinks that I’m leaving without him. It’s actually kind of sweet. Once it’s warm, I shut off all the lights and we are finally on our way (around 7am) but not before Anakin says bye-bye to Cocoa and “Kinkin”.

So that’s pretty much the easy part and it sucks. Next comes the hard part. I take Wyatt to school and he’s SOOOOOOO happy. That is, until we reach “the button”. I let Wyatt push the button to get into the daycare center, which he loves, but when we are all done pushing the button Wyatt freaks out and cried “button button”. Then finally, when we walk down the hallway with everyone looking at us, he calms down just in time for the next part, Mommy leaving. As soon as I put him down he screams and cries and runs to me and hugs my legs. Large crocodile tears are running down his face and the only distraction is the teacher offering him some crackers. This is my morning. Every morning. Nothing like having your heart broken over and over and over again, the same time every day.

When Wyatt was little I used to pump in the morning AND feed Wyatt. How am I going to go through the toddler morning PLUS the baby morning? Well, I have an answer to that but we’re not quite there yet.

I’ve been researching daycares lately. I started with Wyatt’s current daycare. We pay a weekly rate of $250.00 for Wyatt and newborns are $280.00 with a ten percent sibling discount off of Wyatt’s rate only. That comes to…$26,260.00 a year. Ouch. Then I researched other daycare centers and the lowest I found was $175 for a toddler with a $200 infant combo deal of a whopping $19,500.00. So then I started asking about Nanny, and that would be about $14-$15 an hour or approximately $30,000.00. So then I thought, well what about an in-home daycare. I called somewhere around fifteen prospects and heard back from eight. Most infants start at $4-$6 an hour for in-home care plus a sibling rate. The very minimum I would be looking at would be $300 a week or approximately $15,600.00 a year. That is much more manageable than my other child care options. But then I’m reminded, or maybe I should say haunted?, by the memories of my childhood in-home day care provider. And then I remember Glen’s horror stories from when he was a child and something doesn’t sit right with me. Even though this option is affordable, I’m not 100% comfortable with a stranger watching my child and having children who are too young to really communicate with me. An even though it’s affordable, let’s face it, $15k a year is a lot of money to dish out on childcare.

Another stress that’s been slapping us in the face lately is that we have had to find last minute child care for Wyatt once every other week since January. Glen has had to use several vacation days and my parents have made several trips down to be with him.

So then came the talk, what are we going to do now? And this is where the hard decisions come into play. Am I working so that my children can go to a daycare? Am I missing out on these precious early years because of my career? No decisions have been made yet, but we agreed that me staying at home after baby #2 arrives may be a realistic option for our family. I can supplement our income by holding a part-time job in the evenings and also working on my photography business part-time. At this point, I’m not ready to leave my position and there’s really no reason too. This is especially difficult for me because I actually so really like my job and the company that I work for. I might be burning my bridges with this company which scares me. I’m truly at a crossroads in life and I’m not sure which direction I should take. Should I push through it for just a couple of years until Wyatt and baby #2 are in school? Should I stay at home with my children, which means that I’m giving up my position and career and potential future earnings? I can’t imagine that this is an easy decision for anyone and I don’t think there’s a “right” answer, which I suppose is why it’s such a difficult decision. I’m just really afraid of making the wrong decision and letting my family down.

So that’s what’s been going on recently in our lives.

Baby #2 update time!

Baby #2 is doing great! I can feel the kicks from the inside pretty regularly and I have felt kicks on the outside one time. I have a little belly now and at 17 weeks, I’m in maternity clothes full-time and feeling much more comfortable.  I think I’m still in that uncomfortable stage where people are wondering if I’m pregnant or if I gained weight, so I’m getting looks but no one dares to ask.

Glen and I went to our first centering pregnancy class. It’s a group appointment that Hershey just started to offer last year. It’s an evening appointment and it runs about 2 hours one time a month. You check in and receive your medical chart. I noticed that most of the Mom’s in my group must be welcoming their first child because my file was huge compared to theirs. You then go around the room and visit different stations at your leisure. Blood pressure, weight, pee-in-a-cup (more on this later), and then you get to sit down with an OB and have baby’s heart rate checked (160 in case you were wondering). Lastly, you sit around in a group and talk about pregnancy related topics. Last week was nutrition and medications. I had to fill out a very embarrassing food journal from the last week which included nearly everything in the “junk food” category. It was a nice discussion and it was nice to be in a class setting with other Moms.

Now for the weird…Let me go back to the pee-in-a-cup station. So, you visit a small table in the lobby with a plastic cup and a label with your name. You find your cup, take it into the bathroom, do your business and then bring the cup back out and put it on the table. OK…weird number one. Everyone can see your pee-cup and they are all hanging out in the open together in the lobby. They are only 2 feet from the snack table which is also disturbing. I was one of the last to pee-in-a-cup so it was easily noticeable to me that one cup was filled to the rim. Everyone else’s cup had about ¼ cup o’ pee or less except for one cup that was completely filled with pee. Now, I don’t really know “proper” pee-in-a-cup etiquette but I think it’s weird to fill it up…it’s not your gas tank! What if the person checking the cup struggles with the lid and has splash back do to the filled cup? I also noticed that I judge your pee-in-a-cup contents. If it’s dark yellow I get a little grossed out. If it’s barely yellow, I feel like that person should get an award for staying well hydrated. If it’s full to the rim, it doesn’t matter what the color…it’s weird!

Next weekend is my “big” ultra sound appointment, YAYYYYYYYY! We chose not to find out the gender at this time, but I’ll be happy to see my little baby squirming around. I hope he/she cooperates this time and gives us a pretty profile picture to share with you all

Ultrasound Results

It's a Boy! 

...or Girl?

We actually do not know the gender of our baby, and I'll go into that in a minute but first I want to write about something else. 

I have been excited all day for my ultrasound appointment at Hershey Med but I actually had a really upsetting experience and now I truly mean this when I say it, I do not care if our baby is a boy or a girl, I only care that it's a healthy baby. 

The ultrasound itself seemed pretty standard. I did notice two things that seemed a little abnormal to me, but what do I know? I'm not a healthcare professional. The tech seemed to spend a lot of time reviewing the heart and the brain. This is probably standard, so I wasn't alarmed but then after the scan, I received some upsetting news about the results.

After the tech left, the Director told me that their was something abnormal about the brain. He said some sort of long medical term that I forgot in less than a second. Then he told me that it could mean a chromosomal abnormality in the baby and suggested Downs Syndrome. After that I couldn't hear anything he was saying. It was covered up by the sound of a little piece of my heart dying. I couldn't concentrate or wrap my head around what he just said, I was horrified.  I tried to hold back tears while he was telling me that something could be wrong with my baby. He then stated that the only thing they could do to verify the findings was by an amniocentesis procedure. The risk involved is miscarriage, about 1 in 200. The odds are seemingly in my favor but I had to ask myself, what would I do if I made a decision that killed this baby? I declined the test.

I keep telling myself that it's no big deal if the baby has down syndrome, that I will love it just the same. But, I'll be honest here, I'm terrified of having a Down Syndrome baby (or one who has a different chromosomal abnormality). I'm scared for the life that baby would live with and I'm scared of my own responsabilities. I realize I sound rather heartless and selfish. I think that hearing this news would be hard for any parent and I really do praise those who shake it off like it's no big deal. Seriously, I admire that! I wish I was like that but I'm not, I'm really scared.

So, those who have heard this news have asked me about further testing or have asked my when my next ultrasound is and my answer to that is that we will most likely not be finding any more news about this until the baby is born. The Doctor stated that the next step would be the amniocentesis procedure and offered no additional testing or ultrasounds outside of that. So what are our next steps? I'm going to try to set up a meeting with my OB to discuss the findings in detail. Because I was in total shock at my appointment today, the Doctor just sounded like the teachers on Charlie Brown and I didn't have the opportunity to let it sink in or ask questions. My next step is to ask more questions such as, is there any other testing or monitoring that can be offered to us? What kind of odds do we have of having a baby with a chromosomal abnormality? Am I able to get a second opinion?

So that's where we are now. Writing about it really helps me collect myself and reflect. We will be just fine here in the House of Charron, whether our baby has some sort of abnormality, or not.

So, let me now rewind to the beginning of my appointment. I was sitting with one of my besties, Dawn in the waiting room chatting and also really hoping that I wouldn't get the older, over weight nurse with a mustache and a skirt. Instead I got a younger girl, maybe in her early thirties who seemed nice. I told her at the beginning of my appointment that I didn't want her to tell me the gender of the baby.

The tech wasn't very personable and she treated spoke with a monotone voice explaining the different parts of the baby. "here's the leg, here are the kidneys, etc". Baby didn't really cooperate through the ultrasound. At the end I asked if she would fill out my note card with the gender. My plan all along was to have the gender written down in an adorable homemade card mailed to my photographer for a surprise gender reveal in May. To my surprise, she refused to fill out the card and then said that she never looked at the gender so she doesn't know. Maybe I should have been more proactive in explaining my plans to her, but even still, she wouldn't have written down the information. So, now we *really* don't know the gender of our baby and might not find out until September when the baby is born. Honestly, I'm fine with that.

This has been an emotional day for me. One bad day that I hope to forget. For now, any prayers for our family would be appreciated.