Birthing, Babies and Beyond: September 2011

I had hoped to get back on here before now but it's really impossible to do even the smallest task with a newborn. This post will sum up our first month as a family of three and Wyatt's milestones.

After an early discharge from the hospital, we arrived at home ready to take on the world. Of course, when we got home we kind of sat around thinking "what now?". I think that initial first ride home with a newborn and bringing them into their new home is pretty surreal. We couldn't believe that the hospital just "let us go" so easily.

I spent so much time reading about pregnancy that it occurred to me that I had not read anything about after the baby arrived. The first night was so scary. I slept in the basement beside the pack n play where Wyatt "Slept". I use that term loosely because he was up roughly every two hours for feedings and feedings would last about an hour each in length. At this point I was only producing colostrum, so it wasn't enough to keep him satisfied for very long. I couldn't sleep. I watched him sleep and kept checking to see if he was breathing. I was completely paranoid that something was going to happen to him on my watch.

The next day we went in for Wyatt's first visit with the pediatrician. Wyatt looked healthy for the most part but had lost around 11% of his body weight. What came next was devastating. I was told that I wasn't producing enough milk and that we had to supplement with formula over the next three days. I was in tears. I really wanted to breast feed Wyatt and pass along those great benefits to him and I felt like a failure. We supplemented over the weekend and I pumped like crazy to get my milk to come in. I wasn't going down that easy! I was determined to make this work or at least try my best. By Monday morning my milk had fully come in and I was completely engorged an uncomfortable. I continued to pump and save the milk in freezer storage bags. Later that afternoon Wyatt had a weight check. He had gained the right amount of weight for me to stop supplementing and go back to exclusively breastfeeding. I was pleased to hear this. What came next, however, I was not prepared for.

On Monday when we got home I started breastfeeding again, or attempting to anyway and Wyatt wasn't latching. He would just shake his head and scream and cry. I tried feeding him that way every hour in hopes that he would latch and it was a constant struggle. So, we had to go back to bottle feeding. I struggled all night and had no sleep. I was a complete disaster. Wyatt was upset and crying and I was just as upset. On Tuesday afternoon I was trying to feed Wyatt and he was bawling and I was bawling. It was devastating. This was truly the hardest thing I ever had to do and it was waring on me. With some advice from my friend, I decided to take a breast feeding holiday, which sounds much more glamorous than it really is. In order to get Wyatt to latch again and avoid constant pumping and bottle feeding, I had him on my breast for almost 48 hours straight. I would just hold him near and offer it to him every hour. It was extremely exhausting but by the end of the 48 hours, he was latching again and breastfeedng was gettng slightly easier. I really had no idea that breastfeeding was going to be that hard. I continue to struggle with it and it continues to improve but it's far from easy.

This month had its ups and downs, but mostly its downs. Many days I was completely sleep deprived, lonely, depressed and struggling to adjust. I was really hoping that the adjustment would be easy but it was a difficult one for me. Don't get me wrong, I love my son, but it really is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I really don't think you quite understand that until you become a parent.

Wyatt had his first growth spurt and all of those "hard" nights just got worse. Wyatt was up every hour wanting to eat. This was such a difficult time for me because Wyatt was completely dependent on me and even though people wanted to help, they really couldn't help. I felt very alone. I was being completely consumed by this other being and it's embarrassing to say but I felt completely defeated. The grorth spurt lasted about three days and Wyatt was sleeping better. I was feeling pretty good about myself at this point and proud of my accomplishment. As soon as that thought came into my head, it instantly disappeared and a new day brought new challenges. Wyatt became very fussy in the evenings and I couldn't calm him down. I would try feeding him, changing him, checking for fevers, rocking him, holding him, putting him down, picking him up and when none of that worked, I tried it all again and again. After speaking to the pediatrician, he ruled out colic and reflux and assured me that this is all very normal. What I didn't know is that babies often become over stimulated throughout the day and by the time evening come around, they are just done with the world and sometimes babies just cry for no reason. After a few days of this on-going fussiness, I learned something new about my son. At night he becomes fussy because he's over stimulated and fights sleep. I learned that by feeding him, changing him, putting him in a tight swaddle and walking him around will put him to sleep.

This was hard to write because I really wanted to talk about all of the good things of parenting and how well we are adjusting and how we are such awesome parents. Reality isn't always glamorous and this is mine; this month has been trying and often I have felt like a horrible parent and a complete failure. But I keep trying and trying and with that, I'm becoming more comfortable and it's slowly getting easier. Every day brings a new challenge and every day I'm feeling a little more confident.

Now let me touch on the good. Wyatt is a very healthy baby. He is gaining weight and even has an extra chin! He makes these adorable sounds in his sleep; little coos and sighs. He loves to be held and is a very cuddly baby. He does well on car trips and when we take him out of the house. He's been doing tummy time since about 2.5 weeks and and is dong well. Finally, at a month old, he's sleeping at night in 3-4 hour increments. He has a good latch and can go back and forth between bottle and breast.

I'm doing slightly better now too. I know that I'll continue to struggle and that I'll have hard days but I do feel more confident as a parent. I believe that I'm doing the best I can for him and that gives me comfort. My recovery was very fast and now I can't even remember what those first few days felt like. I've lost 25 pounds and even though I'm not completely satisfied with the weight loss, I feel like I'm on the right track. I'm getting out more and even making a few trips to the store without Wyatt. Glen and I even got to share a lovely anniversary dinner out while my Mom and Step Dad watched Wyatt.

As I'm looking back over this past month, I'm sad in a way. My little newborn is growing up fast right in front of me! Part of me desperately wants to go back to that first day, where Glen and I welcomed Wyatt into the world. He was so tiny and sleepy. The other part of me wants to continue to go forward, witness his milestones, make new memories and help him grow into a little person. I still can't believe he's here and now we're celebrating his 1 month birthday. He is just so amazing.

Month 1 Milestones