Ultrasound Results

It's a Boy! 

...or Girl?

We actually do not know the gender of our baby, and I'll go into that in a minute but first I want to write about something else. 

I have been excited all day for my ultrasound appointment at Hershey Med but I actually had a really upsetting experience and now I truly mean this when I say it, I do not care if our baby is a boy or a girl, I only care that it's a healthy baby. 

The ultrasound itself seemed pretty standard. I did notice two things that seemed a little abnormal to me, but what do I know? I'm not a healthcare professional. The tech seemed to spend a lot of time reviewing the heart and the brain. This is probably standard, so I wasn't alarmed but then after the scan, I received some upsetting news about the results.

After the tech left, the Director told me that their was something abnormal about the brain. He said some sort of long medical term that I forgot in less than a second. Then he told me that it could mean a chromosomal abnormality in the baby and suggested Downs Syndrome. After that I couldn't hear anything he was saying. It was covered up by the sound of a little piece of my heart dying. I couldn't concentrate or wrap my head around what he just said, I was horrified.  I tried to hold back tears while he was telling me that something could be wrong with my baby. He then stated that the only thing they could do to verify the findings was by an amniocentesis procedure. The risk involved is miscarriage, about 1 in 200. The odds are seemingly in my favor but I had to ask myself, what would I do if I made a decision that killed this baby? I declined the test.

I keep telling myself that it's no big deal if the baby has down syndrome, that I will love it just the same. But, I'll be honest here, I'm terrified of having a Down Syndrome baby (or one who has a different chromosomal abnormality). I'm scared for the life that baby would live with and I'm scared of my own responsabilities. I realize I sound rather heartless and selfish. I think that hearing this news would be hard for any parent and I really do praise those who shake it off like it's no big deal. Seriously, I admire that! I wish I was like that but I'm not, I'm really scared.

So, those who have heard this news have asked me about further testing or have asked my when my next ultrasound is and my answer to that is that we will most likely not be finding any more news about this until the baby is born. The Doctor stated that the next step would be the amniocentesis procedure and offered no additional testing or ultrasounds outside of that. So what are our next steps? I'm going to try to set up a meeting with my OB to discuss the findings in detail. Because I was in total shock at my appointment today, the Doctor just sounded like the teachers on Charlie Brown and I didn't have the opportunity to let it sink in or ask questions. My next step is to ask more questions such as, is there any other testing or monitoring that can be offered to us? What kind of odds do we have of having a baby with a chromosomal abnormality? Am I able to get a second opinion?

So that's where we are now. Writing about it really helps me collect myself and reflect. We will be just fine here in the House of Charron, whether our baby has some sort of abnormality, or not.

So, let me now rewind to the beginning of my appointment. I was sitting with one of my besties, Dawn in the waiting room chatting and also really hoping that I wouldn't get the older, over weight nurse with a mustache and a skirt. Instead I got a younger girl, maybe in her early thirties who seemed nice. I told her at the beginning of my appointment that I didn't want her to tell me the gender of the baby.

The tech wasn't very personable and she treated spoke with a monotone voice explaining the different parts of the baby. "here's the leg, here are the kidneys, etc". Baby didn't really cooperate through the ultrasound. At the end I asked if she would fill out my note card with the gender. My plan all along was to have the gender written down in an adorable homemade card mailed to my photographer for a surprise gender reveal in May. To my surprise, she refused to fill out the card and then said that she never looked at the gender so she doesn't know. Maybe I should have been more proactive in explaining my plans to her, but even still, she wouldn't have written down the information. So, now we *really* don't know the gender of our baby and might not find out until September when the baby is born. Honestly, I'm fine with that.

This has been an emotional day for me. One bad day that I hope to forget. For now, any prayers for our family would be appreciated.